He Peered out momentarily from behind the drill shed, “ all quiet now,” he Pondered. Glancing down at his watch again, “2130, I could have been down the Point, enjoying myself with the lads,” his mind wandering over all the previous fun they’d had in Torpoint.

Something caught his eye, he looked toward the movement; it was just the gate patrol finishing his hourly ‘rounds’. “All clear now,” he thought. Looking around the deserted parade ground, he could see the huts beyond, as well as the Burma road leading up to the main gate.

“I’ll have to be careful I’m not seen in this light,” thinking there was no lighting around the parade ground but there was a fair amount of moonlight.

He concentrated his gaze to find the white spot about the size of a tennis ball, painted on the tarmac, midway between the Captains Rostrum and the left side of the parade ground. “Yes, there it is,” he looked around once more to be sure it was all clear, then cautiously started toward the spot.

The Spot was the marker on the Parade Ground where the Chief Gunnery Instructor would stand during a Ceremonial Parade, the ‘Parade GI’ as he was commonly known, was the man responsible for the drill training of new recruits.

Creeping on toward the spot, our Hero thought “I’ll really be for the high jump if I’m caught now”, for the spot he planned to desecrate was virtually sacred ground to the ‘Parade GI’.

He thought again of the joy it would bring to all the other retched young Sailors in training, who trembled at the thought of being noticed by ‘Festering Fred’, as the recruits had nicknamed him.

Upon reaching the spot, he took another look around to ensure he’d not been seen. “All clear,” he thought as he began unbuckling his belt, he then lowered his trousers and squatted over the spot and began the business that was aimed at making Festering Fred the laughing stock of HMS Raleigh.

Business being completed, He took the lolly sticks he had brought with him and adjusted the position of the enormous ‘turd’ he had just deposited on festering Fred’s’ hallowed ground.

He positioned it perfectly ‘bolt upright’ on the spot, he then placed on top the little cap he had made earlier it was almost identical to that worn by festering Fred.

“This will be a great day for the Royal Navy” he thought, the incident will go down in the annals of naval history. The parade GIs’ spot has been desecrated and tomorrow is the great day when all the ‘Top Brass’ and families turn out to see their sons parade on the final day of their training.

Creeping back across the parade ground, he stopped and turned once more to admire his ‘handy-work’, there on the spot the Parade GI would stand tomorrow, was an effigy of the Parade GI himself, made from human excrement!
“Great! That’ll get their blood up,” he thought as he crept off into the darkness.


“Morning GI” said Able Seaman ‘Lofty’ Towers while trying to hold back the laughter that was welling in him.
“Morning Towers”, said the Parade GI, ”what are you grinning at”; “nothing GI” said lofty, making a greater effort to keep a straight face.

“There’s something going on here, I can smell it” said the GI.

The remark was just too much for lofty, “ Ah ha ha ah ha-ooh hoo hoo” came the hysterics, as he broke down in uncontrollable laughter.

“What the hell’s going on Towers” screamed the GI. Lofty continued laughing whilst making every effort to compose himself, after a short while he managed to straighten up, planning to deny any part in the prank.

“Well GI, Oh God!” he cried as he once again broke into hilarious laughter.

“If you don’t pull yourself together Lad and explain what’s so funny, you’ll find yourself laughing at the top of that ‘Festering’ Mast! Now whats going on!”

“ I can’t GI, I can’t” cried lofty between giggles and laughs, while pointing out across the Parade Ground.

Festering Fred’s gaze slowly aligned itself, along the line of Lofty’s pointing finger; he squinted to try to make out the small object in the distance, then smartly marched off to examine it.

As Festering Fred drew nearer it was becoming more apparent what the object might be, until it finally dawned on him what it was!

The Smart march become a stumbling gait, as the Parade GI, rushed forward to confirm what he thought he’d seen.

Yes, there it was, standing rigidly upright, an enormous ‘turd’ (with a cap), smack in the middle of his marker spot, the appointed place he was to stand whilst screaming orders at the young Sailors on Parade.

His face began to redden, his eyes began to bulge, his temples began to pulsate, he looked desperately about him, knowing he was being observed, he could hear hilarious laughter in the distance, but couldn’t define the direction.

His entire body began to shake with rage! He desperately tried to gather his thoughts - a scream erupted from him “Towers! Get over here at the double!”

Lofty trotted off toward the GI, still trying to gain control of his chuckling. “Yes GI”, he blurted, still suppressing the laughter.

“What the hell is this!” screamed the GI while pointing at the turd.

“I think its SHIT”, cried lofty, as he broke into uncontrollable laughter again.

Still raging, the GI screamed “ Think its funny, eh - well you can just laugh your way back to the drill shed!” He gasped for air “Get a Bucket, Scrubber, Cloth and Disinfectant, get this lot cleaned up now!” his voice getting lost while is chest heaved for air “I’ll deal with you later”.
Lofty cried, “I didn’t do it!”

“Never mind who festering did it! Just get it cleaned up before the Band gets here; he could hear them already, the Royal Marine Band had begun its practice and was Marching on its way to the Parade Ground.

“Quick! Get it cleaned up man” he screamed at Lofty, who had not yet moved.

Grabbing Lofty by the arm, Festering Fred the dreaded Parade GI, rushed toward the drill shed, pulling Lofty with him.

“ Get a bucket man!” Screamed Festering Fred. “Where’s the locker keys” said Lofty, who had regained control of himself, though he had begun to delay his actions, as he wanted the entire Royal Marine Band to see the effigy on the Parade ground.

“ Oh no!” cried the GI, while wildly slapping at his pockets “Tower’s!” he screamed “Get over to the ‘Chiefs Mess’ at the double! Get my locker keys”, “Aye Aye GI” cried lofty, whilst tuning on his heal to ‘double’ away at a full trot.

On his way to the Chiefs mess he ‘doubled’ passed the Royal Marine Band, shouting several times “Look at the GI’s spot!” he got a wink from one of the Bandsmen, which obviously meant they already knew what was about to greet them!

The Royal Marine Band swept onto the Parade Ground. They were Playing ‘Heart of Oak’ while marching proudly along with great precision.

As the Drum Major ‘Tossed his huge Baton into the air, his eye caught the huge ‘turd’ standing in place of the GI, who would normally be there now as the Band passed for practice.

The Baton crashed to the ground, as the Drum Major ‘gawked’ at the Turd, he quickly recovered the Baton, but it was too late, the entire Band had now seen the Turd, the Music became a disaster as the Bandsmen began crashing into one another.

A laugh erupted from one, then another, until all including the Drum Major, were in fits of laughter, pointing at the effigy of the Parade GI.

Young Sailors where now filing onto the Parade Ground, craning to get a view of it while making their way to ‘divisions’, breaking into laughter as they went by, until the entire parade ground was full of hilarity!

It was ‘Polly’ who saved the day, he ran to the drill shed, eyeing the figure of the Parade GI crumpled in the corner blocking the laughter from his ears, Polly rushed past and grabbed a large white Mug from the tea trolley.

“Quick, GI before the Officers arrive, I’ll cover it up, they’ll never know” The GI was spurred back into action at the mere mention of the word ‘Officers’

Polly Perkins doubled over to the GI’s Spot, closely followed by the GI, “good thinking Perkins” said Festering Fred, as he watched Polly jamb the mug down over the excrement. “I’ll see you get rewarded for this Lad”.


Polly doubled off leaving the GI stood at his Spot, his feet encompassing the mug. He began to calm down though he could still hear some tittering some way behind him.

But he was not going to move now, the Mug was in place, he was in his place. The Band had returned to the Burma Road, to prepare for the Parade.

Soon the Respective divisional PO’s would ‘Report’ to him and he would order them to stop the tittering in the ‘Ranks’.

Nothing must stand in the way of the success of Parade. There were hundreds of young Sailors, Immaculately ‘turned out’ in their freshly pressed uniforms, thier gleaming boots and scrubbed white caps.

“Whats the Mug for GI” said the Gunnery Officer, who’d come to start the inspection of the young Sailors. “er” pausing to think, then blurting “Wet Paint Sir”, “Good thinking GI” said the Gunnery Officer “make sure nobody kicks it, we don’t want paint everywhere”.

“Aye Aye Sir” said Festering Fred then breathed a sigh of relief as the Gunnery Officer marched off.

Among them was the training class 623, who were to do their final ‘March Past’ as they had completed training.

Among class 623 stood Polly Perkins with a smug look on his face, after all he’d ‘pulled off’ a stroke of amazing genius, he’d got his revenge on Festering Fred and was to be rewarded for doing it.

He’d carried out his plan in complete secrecy, he’d told no one of his intentions; he merely committed the act of desecrating the GI’s spot and then started a ‘Buzz’.

He’d simply said to a Sailor he knew to gossip, “have you heard? Somebody’s Shit on the GI’s Spot”. In no time ‘The Ships grapevine’ was awash with the News. But nobody knew who did it.

The GI thought he was a Hero for saving the day! “What a genius” Polly thought